Gasping for air

  So just thought I'd try to jot a few words here. Not sure why really. I have two journals going right now. The one I write the most in is the one I keep in the glove compartment of my car. I write in it when I visit Gray at the cemetery. I write as if I'm talking to him. I write whatever thing is most on my mind. All the memories of him, every detail so I won't forget. This past Wednesday marked one month without him here on earth. Without my boy. He died on May 18th, after more than 5 months in the hospital.... I know in my head that he is in Heaven and smiling and at peace, but my heart just aches and feels so empty. It just doesn't seem real. At all. My chest always aches and I feel actual physical pain from missing our sweet boy.

Read Psalm 126:5 tonight. Said something like "you will sow in tears and reap a harvest of joy"...I wonder what the time frame on that one is. lol. I do still laugh and find joy and feel somewhat normal each day, for at least part of it anyways....and then the next moment, I'm so swiftly brought back to my sorrow....Not only missing my boy, but reliving the terrifying journey and battle we went through for so many months. It was easy to just ask for prayer on FB and point out the positive things, no matter how small, but living the reality of those terrible months was something different altogether. Now that we're home and not constantly living on adrenaline and surviving so that we could be the best possible advocates for him and his care, it's all coming crashing down. It's like I'm not only dealing with the death and loss of my son, but fighting the fear and sadness of all the anguish we lived for so many months. There's so much that went on that I never shared or focused on. Some things are just not for everyone to know...It's too personal a story. Too much to bear. Too much to put out there.

  Well, I'd best go. Gotta somewhat pack before tomorrow. Gonna head outta town by myself and meet up w/ a friend. I hope it goes well. I find myself getting anxious when I am in situations that are not familiar to me now. Even the familiar is hard for me to deal with right now.

  Til next time......