Your First Birthday

   Today we celebrated your First Birthday.  We wish you could've been here with us, though. To see your cake, watch your eyes light up as we lit that first candle, laughed as you got new toys that made noise and did crazy things. Instead, we sang to you and prayed you heard. We prayed that you could catch a glimpse of us from your amazing view up there in Heaven, even just for a moment. That you could see our moments of joy as we remembered you and your sweet life today.

  Yesterday I drove to Ocala by myself. I had a short list of things I wanted to find to make your day special. Namely, minion decor and flowers for your vase on your headstone. We had to go with the minions, because that's what you were to us, our littlest minion.

  When you were newly home, we got a gift in the mail from our friend back in Kansas, and it was the cutest little crocheted minion hat ever. When you first arrived at the hospital, we only came with just our diaper bag and a couple changes of clothes, but from the very beginning, we realized those clothes would not work for all that you had going on. Onesies and ICU's don't really mix. So for days, until we could get you more appropriate clothing and grab your belongings from home, you wore hospital shirts and just your diaper. It just made it seem like you were that much more sick, to see you in those hospital clothes. It made me sad to look at you like that.  So when we finally got some clothes there for you, we knew you needed hats. You were always freezing. You'd always been a chili dog, and your temp in the hospital was even more eradic, so we knew you needed some hats. Your minion hat was the first hat we put on you and man, did it ever gain you some popularity quickly. "You gotta come see this cute little minion hat!!!" Everyone thought you were just the cutest little thing after that. Just with that one little hat and some regular clothes, you finally looked like our boy again. Not just some sick baby lying in a hospital crib.  But our sweet little baby boy. Your minion hat always brought so much joy and laughs for everyone. I loved you in that hat <3 .

  So, I knew you needed to have a minion party.  Thankfully Target had some minion party supplies, and Publix sold me some cake toppers. The boys helped me make mini minion cupcakes and helped me lick the icing off the butter knives mix up the icing. I picked out some cute pictures of you and set them on the table next to the cake and we lit your #1 candle on your cake. The boys each blew it out after we sung to you. We ate cake and I asked the boys and Daddy where all you'd been...all the places you'd been when you were home with us. Turned out, we came up with about 30 different places, including about 5 parks and the local beach, the movie theater, several restaurants, at least 2 churches, and you'd even ridden on a train...well, a lawnmower turned train at the Trunk or Treat at our church. Thinking of where all you'd been brought back some good memories of when you'd actually been home and how much joy we had with you, before we ever knew you weren't well. Before you were stuck in the PICU for over 5 months. It's so hard for us all to remember those memories now. All those long months of procedures, meds, and surgeries have clouded out our innocent and special memories of the sweet baby we used to know.  God gave me the idea to write down where you'd been.  The thought came out of nowhere and it really struck a chord.  If we can think of all the places you'd been, then we could remember all those precious memories that went along with them too.  I just wish you were still here, visiting more and more places with us. Thirty places just isn't enough.  But yet, I'm thankful for that list.  Those memories we do have with you.

  After we had your party tonight and ate dinner, we went out to the cemetery to release the balloons we got today.  All of us had written you notes and the boys drew pictures to send to you, and they'd also picked out a matchbox car and motorcycle to send you. Turns out, those balloons were no match for those stinkin' metal cars. So we decided to only send the motorcycle up, tied to all 10 of the balloons.  The boys let go of the balloons but the wind wasn't cooperating so the big bunch of balloons got stuck pretty high up in another tree. Thankfully not your tree. So Daddy had to climb the tree and shake the crud outta all the branches. It dislodged the balloons a smidge but they got caught again. So Daddy went to the car and got out the jumper cables and preceded to chuck those up into the tree. In the process, the motorcycle toy fell outta the balloons and finally the balloons came out, but all at diff times.   Four different groupings of balloons floated up into the air at staggering times.  Wasn't quite the way I'd imagined it *ahem* but it turned out to be pretty comical, as Daddy looked like he was trying to shake pecans outta the tree or something.  I was so aggravated until the balloons all came out and then it was magical once again. Daddy always saves the day, and never gives up. He was determined to get you your balloons and make your brothers happy.  We hope you got your balloons our sweet boy, and know how much we all love and miss you!!!

So blessed to find all this love left for our boy <3 xoxo

The motorcycle, sans driver, that fell outta the tree :(

Mission accomplished

Superman!!! <3 Loved this so. xo

Let's try this again

  When we got to the cemetery, we saw many flowers had been left for you. No names were left, so we weren't sure who all had been out there, but it made our heart so happy and sad at the same time.  Friends that love you so and were celebrating your life, but at a cemetery.  Just not the way I had ever dreamed our or your life to be.  I was so happy to see the flowers, but crying so hard.  The last few days have proved almost unbearable, with the waves of grief almost knocking me down.  Falling asleep crying in different rooms in the house.  Crying out at the cemetery which I never normally do.  How has this become our life? How did we lose you?? How were you so sick and we didn't know??  We just miss you so much, Gray.  Eight months just wasn't long enough.  It just seemed like the beginning.


  I'd like to say I found a newfound sense of peace today as we celebrated your life, and shared our memories of you. As we sang to you, and released balloons, made cupcakes and sported our minion clothes...Sure, there were special moments here and there, but over all, a feeling of deep, profound, indescribable loss and pain.  We found ourselves driving and not saying anything for long periods of time.  The boys were their normal selves in the backseat, but me and Daddy just staring, in disbelief. Or maybe just numb from the pain.  Sometimes it still doesn't even seem real.  A feeling of, "What the heck just happened?" and disbelief at the reality of all your struggles and hardships.  The feelings of disconnect as we remember living in a hospital for so many months, unattached to the real world and our normal relationships and daily lives we'd had just moments before.  Everything changed so quickly.
And today, nothing even feels the same.

  And, now you're gone.  In Heaven.  In my head, I'm so glad you're there.  Safe, surrounded by love and light.  Jesus is there, and people who love you.  In my mind, you're always on His lap, so I'm not sure who's lap everyone else is on :). So I do find a slight amount of joy in that.  But lately, I just miss you.  Terribly.  Today hit me so hard. Well, heck, the last few days have hit me so hard.  The tears just flow, and I feel physically weak and nauseous as I walk about.  Dazed and confused as I try to keep the house running and plan your party and then think about the next few days....and Miles' party looming right around the corner, and "When is our PARTY gonna be Mom??", because the party at the house never really counts unless you invite 75 people.  Sigh....  So yeah, life goes on.  Sometimes I just want to lie down and sleep for a few days with no one messing with me and shut myself off from the world, to just wallow in my pain for a bit.  But, ain't nobody got time fo dat.  Life moves on.  There are brothers to feed, working husbands to launder for,  school to be taught.  So I focus on today.  Just today.  Sometimes just the very moments in front of me. It. is. hard.

  I hope your First Birthday in Heaven was unbelievable.  It struck me today, that although the passing of time seems so painful to me, because it means I've been without you for that much longer, it also means I'm that much closer to being with you again.  I love you, my sweet boy. Today and every day, until I can finally see you and hold you again.

  Mommy Loves you, Sweet Gray. <3 O:)

We love you, sweet baby boy <3