Losing it

I prob'ly shouldn't be writing this in the frame of mind that I'm in, but i have to get out of this place. I literally feel like I'm slowly losing my mind. It's 3:42 in the morning and they just took my blood. AGAIN. it felt like someone was stabbing me. I am so sick of needles right now. I'm even more sick of doctors and how they can't agree on anything. I've now seen 4 doctors and 3 agree I have diverticulitis. The only one who disagrees is the GI doctor?! what the heck. Then he tells me "but I could be wrong". He ok'd me to go home last night so I was so looking forward to getting out of this place, getting the IV needle outta my arm, and getting home. I'm losing all track of time in here. I can see how would go crazy in prison, I swear. The attending dr who could sign off to release me exams me last night around 7 and immediately said how sick I still was bc of my pain level. He told R that if I were his family, there's no way he would release me. I just started shaking my head, tears falling down my face. R asked some questions, and basically the dr said it was like rolling the dice. If I went home and wasn't well, this could get worse and could perforate my bowel (sick nasty) and I could wear a colostomy for six months, or I could stay here and the worse thing would be bad food and boredom....and he insisted that I go back onto a clear liquid diet, which mainly consists of broth and jello. He forgot to mention that there would be more needles, on the 4th day, a new IV. After they blew 2 of my veins in the ER, poked me 4x w/ 3 diff ppl, I'm getting really sick of being a human voodoo doll. I'm having muscle spasms all over my quads--not sure why? The doctor felt so bad, that he came in and changed his mind about the catscan. He'd originally said to have it on Monday, but he rescheduled it for Sunday. I talked to my cousing, Suzanne, who's an ER doc and she told me to get the copy of the radiologist's printout from my 1st cat scan, that usually you could def tell one way or another if it were diverticulitis or not. The attending told me that in most cases, young ppl had to have surgery bc of Diver.... the gastro said he didn't even wanna do a colonoscopy on me...??!?!? how the HECK are you gonna know if i have it w/out one?? He casually says, well unless you have this 2 or 3x in one year, you usually don't have it.?!!??!!?!? WHAT??? I looked at him and blurted out, I NEVER wanna be here again!!!!!!!!!! thanks for rolling the dice, buddy. I'm sick of having no answers and ppl shrugging me off and pumping me full of antibiotics and liquids and rotting away in here. If they don't give me some answers today I'm prob'ly just gonna cry all day.  seriously. I don't know how serious this is, but i feel it is, and no one is telling me. The doc last night scared me w/ his reaction. and, to top it off, i've not showered or washed my hair since Thurs morning!! Spit baths suck, and one nurse told me that if i take a shower, 99% chance I'll hafta have my IV redone....NOTHANKYOU! so yeah. I am just overly frustrated. I have been praying. I know God must want me to slow down. I just wish i had some answers. I'm tired of educated guesses. I could do that myself w/ WebMD. You get paid how much a year and you can't tell me if I have something fairly common? this is just assanine. This is when i TRULY hate small towns.

Okay, enough of my rant. Once I calm down I need to roll up my earplugs that the nurse so nicely found for me, so that I can get any sliver of sleep...Got a roomate last night, for the 1st time, and she has like emphesema or something and gags, snores, talks in her sleep and sounds like she's dying. Then her machines were going off and alarming every 2 min or so. I woke up like 5x in an hour and then I started calling the nurse like crazy. I wanted to go out w/ my pillow and sleep in the hall. omg. I've decided, I don't ever want to be sick again. lol. This is for the birds. I'll take laundry and dishes anyday. I will never complain again;)!!!!